That may sound very dramatic to some people reading this. But the truth is that most of the friendships with those whom I have called best friend in the past have unfortunately ended with the negative side of the vulnerability coin landing face up. After taking a lot of time to think and reflect on those friendships, and on why I was so afraid to let another person claim that "best friend" title in my life, I have realized a couple of "truths" about friendship and why it sometimes fades, dwindles, or ends entirely. Perhaps you have had a similar experience. Perhaps you have not. Nonetheless, I have discovered these things to be true in my particular situations and have finally realized that the bottom line is IT'S NOT PERSONAL and that I need to continue to let myself be vulnerable, even in spite of the fears I associate with that vulnerability.
It is important for everyone reading this to know that I hold no animosity, anger, or unforgiveness towards any of the wonderful women who I have learned these truths from. It is true that I have experienced hurt from a few of the friendships that have encountered bumps in the road, detours, or even dead-ends. But each of those experiences & friendships have taught me valuable lessons about myself, about forgiveness, and about understanding others.
Distance can sedate even the most active friendships
We moved in 2011 from St Paul, MN to New Prague, MN...a quasi-rural town of approximately 7,500 people about 45 minutes south of the Twin Cities. We moved for several reasons. 1) to get out of a bad neighborhood, which was important primarily for our then two-year-old daughter, 2) to buy a house which we were able to do in New Prague due to cost of houses being significantly lower in New Prague combined with the ability to use a zero down payment & zero PMI loan in that area of the state, and 3) to be close to Dane's parents who also live in New Prague - having the grandparents close by would be a huge help for us. These reasons were enough for us to make the move away from the Twin Cities where our life was rooted, including our friendships.
We were honest with ourselves and our closest friends that the distance would make staying connected difficult, but everyone was in agreement that our friendships were worth the effort it would take and the distance needed to travel in order to maintain our friendships. Then reality set in. After about 6 months the novelty seemed to wear off and having to drive 45 minutes became too much for most of our friends. Dane and I were still very willing to drive up to visit our friends, which we did most of the time rather than our friends coming down to us. But what we really wanted was for our friends to make the same effort we did by coming to visit us at our house more often. We had hoped our house would be a place where we could hang out with and entertain our friends, especially since we had previously always lived in such small apartments where entertaining our friends wasn't ideal. But it just didn't happen. We do have a few select friends who are willing to make the trip down to our house as often as we do to theirs, and we are grateful for those friends. What I find interesting is that it's the friends who also have kids who are the ones willing to travel to our house. Our single or childless friends are the ones we now rarely see. Interesting. I wonder why that is.
Since moving we have experienced a fair amount of loneliness. Despite good intentions to remain connected, most of our friendships have either faded or fully dissolved, thus we don't spend as much time with friends in general as we used to. But we have grown closer to Dane's parents and are grateful that we can call them to hang out just about anytime, and vice versa. Being closer to them was, after all, one of our 3 primary reasons for moving to New Prague in the first place. Now if I could only get my parents to move closer to us too! That would be simply awesome.
The truth I have learned from moving a fair distance from most of our friends is that unless both parties are willing to put forth equal effort necessary for maintaining a consistent amount of in-person encounters, then the friendship will fade. If only one half of the friendship puts forth the effort, that half will start to become frustrated and will eventually give up trying as hard. But if both parties are willing to equally share the burden of driving 45-60 minutes at least every other month in order to stay connected, then the friendship will be maintained, and possibly even flourish. Distance doesn't always make the heart grow fond. Sometimes distance makes the heart forget.
Major changes in one of the friend's life can majorly change a friendship
Most friendships blossom when two people find themselves in a similar place in life. The friendship is founded on shared experiences in the here and now. And thus the friendship has the all the makings of a life-long friendship that should grow deeper as the years go on - assuming of course that your life experiences will continue to be, well, shared. But what if one of the friends goes through a major life change, good or bad? What if that major life change creates a chasm in the midst of what was once a tight-knit friendship? Maybe one of them has a baby while the other has no kids. Having a baby changes everything and maybe, to your surprise, you find that your friendship wasn't tight enough to withstand the major changes brought on by that new bundle of joy. Maybe one of them gets divorced while the other remains happily married. Particularly when the friendship was somewhat rooted in being friends as a foursome, inevitably a divorce between one of the married couples is likely to lead to a "divorce" of the individual friendships.
Let's face it, friendships are often rather circumstantial, developing only because two people find themselves frequently around another person who is in a similar life circumstance. So when circumstances change, the truth is the friendship changes too. What I've slowly come to realize, though, is that really isn't personal. The truth is that the one who has gone through a major life change may just need to surround themselves with others who are in the same place that they are in now - and that may not be you, or may not be me. Circumstances have changed so the friendship has changed. It makes sense logically, but that doesn't negate the fact that it can hurt. For me, I felt a bit abandoned - stranded, not really knowing what happened or why it happened, trying to figure out if I did something wrong, and wondering if we would ever be as close as we once were.
It's OK to let go and move on
The hardest part for me when a dear friendship went down one of those roads with bumps, detours, or even a dead-end was letting go. It was no easy lesson for me to learn that letting a friendship go and moving on is OK to do, and that it doesn't have to be done with any anger or bitterness. Instead letting go simply means you are able to be OK with the way the person and/or friendship has changed, knowing that you may never be as close as you once were, but still (and here's the important part) being able to fondly cherish to the good times and recall the happy memories that were made during the life of the friendship. Letting go doesn't mean that the memories or good times are lost forever or somehow negated by the dwindling of your closeness. It's OK, for example, to keep the photos of the two of you from back when you were close (even though sometimes looking at those photos can bring a tear of sadness to your eye rather than tears of happy remembering), and it's OK to every now and then drop them a line letting them know you are thinking of them and hoping they are well.
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I have had 6 wonderful women in my life who I have had the privilege of calling my best friend and being called their best friend. A couple of those friendships faded completely for a very long time and made me my heart ache every time I would recall our amazing times together. But I have happy to say that those couple of women have come back into my life and I am so happy to start new with them, if even only slowly or infrequently. And I've learned from those rekindled friendships that it is OK to forgive and to welcome back into your life a friend who had left you or even hurt you. It's a beautiful thing, really.
And to the one I'm blessed to be best friends with here and now...here's to being vulnerable my friend. You have helped me see, once again, that friendship is worth the risk and vulnerability is never something to be afraid of. And for that, I thank you deeply.
I leave you all with some of my favorite quotes about friendship which I have pondered a lot lately and found to be wise as well as comforting. Shalom.
"In
everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into
flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for
those people who rekindle the inner spirit."
-Albert Schweitzer
"I
value the friend who for me finds time on his calendar, but I cherish the
friend who for me does not consult his calendar."
-Robert Brault
"Be
courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before
you give them your confidence."
-George Washington
"It is
one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with
them."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Be slow to fall into friendship;
but when thou art in, continue firm and constant."
-Socrates
"Wishing to be friends is quick
work, but friendship is a slow ripening fruit."
-Aristotle
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