Looking back over the past 10 years of married life I have come to realize some things about what makes a marital relationship work. I have read a lot of blog and Facebook posts that people keep sharing that outline the keys to a happy marriage and how all you need to do is start dating your spouse again and how "marriage is not for 'me'." While everything I have read does have a semblance of truth to them, I have to be honest that a lot of the advice and declarations in these posts are not only a bit cheesy but are also lacking a little slice of reality. The reality is, and I fully understand that some people might be shocked to hear this and may even be concerned about the health of my marriage when I say this, but here goes: A happy marriage is truly dependent on a married couple's ability to maintain a healthy level of separation and independence. I can hear just the gasps. "But Erin, when you get married, two become one!" "But Erin, my spouse is my best friend and there is no one else in the world I would want to spend my time with!" "But Erin...!"
While it is true that when you marry someone you are choosing to spend the rest of your life with that person, but that choice does not mean you are supposed lose who you are individually, stop having your own individual hobbies, and all of a sudden have all of the same friends and want to spend every waking moment together. Don't get me wrong, to have a happy & healthy marriage a couple most definitely needs to spend time together regularly, enjoy each other's company, and have date nights every so often (even more so if the couple has children). But in order to remain in a long-term (and by long-term I mean life-long) relationship with a person, you really do need to know and maintain who you are as an individual within the confines of marriage.
But I'm not sure that's how our society views marriage or successful relationships today. I mean, take creating a single name for Hollywood couples for example - Brangelina, Kimye, Bennifer. Why the obsession of merging two people into one and then labeling that merger as a "super couple"?? Gross. I can say with confidence that one of the main reasons marriages fail these days is because people often have unrealistic expectations of what marriage will be like. I remember when I first got engaged thinking that my future life as Mrs. Carlson was going to be a never ending date full of kisses and whispering sweet nothings and romance. It only took a few months for reality to set in. Of course, we were young: we were just 22-years-old when we got married and we did not live together before getting married. So there was a pretty steep learning curve that came with the first part of our life together. But I remember a very specific moment about 4 months into our marriage when Dane spent an evening hanging out with one of his friends and left me, his young, beautiful bride, at home all alone! I simply could not understand why Dane would actually choose to spend time with one of his guy friends instead of with me! I mean, did I do something wrong? Was he mad at me? Was I not good enough? Oh the insecurities just came pouring out like a flood. Why was I so insecure? It was because I had not yet learned how important it is to remain an individual with separate friends and hobbies in order to have a healthy life with a person. Perhaps that's why Dane now choose to write "Find separate interests!" on the advice page of a wedding album for our recently married friends, Ben and Amanda Hemmila. It's good advice and I sincerely hope they take it to heart!
I am happy to report that there are experts that have this same perspective. Steven Nock, a professor of sociology who studies marriage at the University of Virginia and the author of Marriage In Men's Lives states, "Every good marriage is based on an awful lot of separation. People need to have a separate life and existence to feel validated as individuals. They can't live solely as somebody's partner." Amen Mr. Nock, amen!
We've (and by 'we' I mean us married folks) all had those moments where you just cannot spend another minute with your spouse and you just have to get away from them, if even just for a few hours! But what if we were to give ourselves those times away from each other on a somewhat regular basis and not just in those "I've got to get away!" moments? I would hypothesize that the result would be that there would be far fewer "I've got to get away!" moments. You know the saying, "Absence makes the heart grow fond." There is such depth of truth in that age-old phrase. And the absence doesn't have to be days long. Even just a few hours away, having dinner with a friend, going to a coffee shop to enjoy a cup of coffee and a couple of hours reading a good book, or my personal favorite, going to a movie all by yourself can make you more eager to spend time with your spouse. I would say the same goes for the relationship with your children: spending time away from them can often be exactly what you need to be a good, patient, and involved parent! But that can be a topic for a whole other post...
Last summer I started a new job which affords some travel every few months. These 1 to 3 day trips are for business and not pleasure, but they are trips I very much look forward to because I get a few days to myself and I get to explore a new city. I know Dane doesn't love me being gone for a couple of days, and it's not just because he is on single-dad duty for the days that I am gone. When I call to check in with him the first night I am away he always tells me how much he already misses me and how being at home without me for a few days is boring and even a little lonely. But for me those days away really rejuvenate me. And I know he feels the same way when he has gotten to travel for a few days without me. It's good for us to have those times away because it's during the time apart from each other that we come to remember how much we want and need each other. Even just a day or two away helps us both appreciate each other more and realize how great living this life together is. I was reading To Kill A Mockingbird while in Kentucky in January and came across this line which Scout says about her friend Dill, "With him, life was routine; without him, life was unbearable." I can say with 100% certainty that it is only because Dane and I have learned how to enjoy our individual times away from each other that our marriage is a happy one and our life together is routine (in a good way) and to live without each other would be unbearable. We have learned that in order to enjoy living with each other until death do us part we must regularly allow and even encourage each other to spend time apart, with other friends, enjoying our own interests and hobbies. And in doing so, our times together are sweeter all the more.
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